A book by Sean Meyersfeld
The Ten Tenets
of Modern Masculinity
An honest attempt by a flawed man to understand what a better one looks like.
Read on01 The premise
We have spent a lot of time telling men what not to be.
Not controlling. Not emotionally unavailable. Not domineering. Not toxic. Not weak. Not too soft. Not too much. Which leaves a surprisingly small patch of ground on which to stand.
However, a man needs something more useful than a list of things to avoid. He needs an idea of what to become. This book is my attempt at one.
A man who is strong without needing to dominate. Who can lead without always needing to be in charge. Who can be vulnerable without making everyone else responsible for his feelings. Who keeps his word and knows how to apologise. And who is entirely unembarrassed by tenderness.
Not a perfect man. A good one.
Early praise
“I met Sean by chance at a coffee shop and overheard him describing the concept for his book, The 10 Tenets of Modern Masculinity. I couldn't help joining the conversation.
As a woman navigating dating again after the end of my marriage, I've often asked myself: what is wrong with men today? Is it just me, or are men just not measuring up? I don't mean financially. I mean in emotional maturity, and in the ability to make me feel emotionally safe. And it's not just me. All around me I see beautiful, smart, educated women who are doing the deep emotional and spiritual work, and we're all struggling to find decent men to date. As women's roles and society's expectations evolve, I've come to believe we need to redefine masculinity itself, beginning with men who understand that strength includes emotional presence.
As Sean walked me through the concepts of the book, I found myself nodding along. These are exactly the qualities I look for in a partner. What makes this book so needed is that it's written by a man, rooted in his own experience, and offers a genuinely positive vision of masculinity: one that moves away from the manosphere and red-pill thinking and instead balances and honors the feminine. That perspective is sorely missing today, and I can't wait to see this book out in the world.”
02 Between the Marlboro Man and the meditation app
Men were raised to protect and provide, then told that protection can look patronising, and that provision was never the point. Encouraged to be open and vulnerable, but not too open, lest we be needy. Lead, but never dominate.
A lot of us ended up wondering what the hell we were actually supposed to be.
We see two archetypes on social media: Armoured Man, all hustle and hardness; Collapsed Man, so uncomfortable with his own power that he neuters himself entirely. Both miss the point.
So men opt out. Retreat is the only place left that still keeps score. Video games tell you when you’ve levelled up. Social media tells you when you’ve been liked. Porn tells you you’re desired, without requiring you to be desirable.
None of the three works.
The answer is integration. Strength and tenderness. Discipline and play. Direction and curiosity. Self-reliance and intimacy. Confidence and humility. Not less masculine. More complete.
03 The Ten Tenets
Ten ideas. Not commandments. Not rules. Ten ways of standing in the world.
- 01
The Protector
Strength in stewardship.
- 02
The Provider
Creating safety and stability.
- 03
The Gentle Heart
Kindness as strength.
- 04
The Considerate Man
Awareness in action.
- 05
The Romantic Warrior
Believe in the Goddess Treatment.
- 06
The Gardener Within
Nurture and grow all aspects of yourself.
- 07
The Open Chest
Be vulnerable.
- 08
The Humble Man
Learn to apologise.
- 09
The Man of His Word
Align your words with your actions.
- 10
The Champion of Her Becoming
The greatest gift we can offer another human being — the space to be.
A note on scope
None of these qualities belong to men. Integrity, kindness, courage and humility are all human qualities. The chapters on love and partnership are written mainly with heterosexual men in mind - if your experience differs, some examples won’t be yours. I hope the principles still are.
The opening chapter
A lighthouse doesn’t
chase ships.
It isn’t a police boat barking orders. It isn’t a buoy drifting wherever the tide goes.
It stands there, lit, doing its job — and ships come safely home.
There is always collateral beauty when a man becomes the kind of person whose presence makes life feel less frightening.
I’ll send you the opening chapter now, and tell you when the book is ready.
04 The Goddess Treatment
Yes, the name is
controversial.
It is meant to be.
Equality and reverence were never opposites. Cherishing a woman extravagantly has never required her to be smaller, weaker or dependent. It’s generosity without agenda. The joy of devotion without the poison of domination.
When done right, it doesn’t diminish her independence – it amplifies her radiance. When done wrong, it’s performative and patronising. The difference is intent: one is rooted in respect, the other in ego.
The Goddess Treatment is not about her dependency. It is about your dignity.
05 How this started
Paris. Fashion Week.
A rooftop conversation.
By midnight the conversation had turned to men. What women wanted from them. What men thought was expected of them. Why so many of us seemed so unsure where to stand. I spent an hour defending my sex, and slowly realised I couldn’t.
And then a harder question. What would a good man look like now? A long silence. Both women looking at me. “You write it.”
It was a terrible idea, and I said so. I am not a psychologist. I have no authority here. The reply was difficult to argue with.
If not you, then who?
Then I went home to my three sons, and the question stopped being theoretical.
I realised I didn’t much care what they would achieve, or whether they would be successful. I cared about the kind of men they would become while doing all of it.
I hope they are brave and useful. That they fall in love wildly and treat it seriously. That they can take care of themselves and of other people. That they keep their word, stay curious and know how to say sorry.
Most of all, I hope they never confuse hardness with strength.
This book is, in no small part, my attempt to leave them something useful.
07 Sean
A respectable collection of things I would now do differently.
I’m Sean Meyersfeld.
Father of three sons, divorced, and old enough to have accumulated a respectable collection of things I would now do differently.
I have spent much of my life around ambitious people, businesses and ideas — as an entrepreneur, investor and board member — and around that particular male tendency to confuse competence in one area of life with mastery of all the others. I have an MPhil from Cambridge and an unreasonable number of competitive sporting obsessions.
It turns out professional success does not automatically teach you how to love well, apologise properly or know when to lead and when to shut up.
This book came from conversations, reading, relationships, mistakes, fatherhood and a slightly inconvenient amount of self-examination.
It is also a book about love: sex, romance, arguments, apologies, promises, and what happens when character stops being theoretical.